winds of change
This post is not going to be a story.
Nor is it going to be an offspring of my imagination.
I am going to be totally honest, this one is about me, my life.
I feel it’s necessary, especially now; for I have a mission now, and one of the ways of realizing this is to be completely honest with others. A friend told me that day, that I wear masks, and it’s alright because we all do and it’s totally normal. I don’t think it’s normal. Masks are only good if you are a clown, or if it’s a Halloween party. Otherwise, masks help you slack and drift off from your identity. And that can only be bad. And in order to avoid myself from hiding behind my mask in the future, I’m using all of you to bear witness to my naked self; my thoughts on my past, my motivation in the present and my ambitions for the future.
One of the worst things to happen to me in recent years is the fact that I am extending my degree program by a year. A lot of people might find it difficult to admit this in the open, in fact I am writing this after much debate within myself too. There was a lot of hurt and disappointment in the eyes of my parents when I broke the news to them, and those who know me well will tell you that’s the last thing I want. My parents have always been my one true blessing, and to let them down merely by my lack of effort and ambition really dealt a blow, to both parties. Even then, they were loving enough not to show me much of their ill feeling. But I feel it, and I know it. The times when their friends ask them how long more for his son to graduate, I shudder as they stumble for a dignified answer. This bugs me a lot, more than I can describe.
See, I have been blessed with wonderful, fun and loyal friends. My university days will live long in my memory as the most glorious days of youth and excitement. But behind all those smiles and laughter was a silent curse of incompetence and lack of ambition. I have no right to blame my failure on my friends, but truth remains that failure is never apparent when all about you are cruising at the same gear. Having said that, I must say there were many friends who chose the better path, some even offering advice, but the youth of my age was very much an ally of ego and pride, of misguided confidence and mistaken priorities.
And then there were friends, in offering help and counsel kept telling me engineering is not my ‘thing’, that my field is that of art and creativity, of mass communications and public relations. I won’t do justice to them if I said they meant harm. Humans generally feel the need to belong, and in my failure they looked for other places for me to belong. And I did believe them, for a while. But a wise man once told me, that adaptability is the single most important quality for any living creature. I still remember him telling me, as the mighty dinosaurs failed to survive, the tiny amoeba lives today, since the start of evolution. Why is that so? Adaptability. And so, why can’t I adapt to life, why can’t I master my destiny, rather than just be pushed about and bullied by the thought and fear that this is not for me?
Often times I gave advice to my friends, to matters ranging from love to life, if they both be not one and the same. I preached love to be decorated bullshit, of human relationships to be based entirely on selfish motives and opportunistic pretense. And from those views, born out of my misguided observations, I attracted a band of followers who would nod and agree to the things that I say. Wisdom comes with a price, and in this case I was pronounced wise just because I was different. I spoke often times with my mind looking for lateral explanations, and in my wit and lip lived much of my celebrated fakeness and fondness to manipulation and deception. I look back now and I see a young man patching up the holes in his life with sands of bad memory and marking it with scars of past; all the while reminding himself, ‘I am right, I am right.’ But no, that was not me. My heart does not hate love; it yearns for it. Love is not just a term for a boy and a girl in relationship, It goes far beyond, where words with arms outstretched fail in vain to enfold.
I mentioned in the beginning, about my mission, my ambition. All this while I have lived behind masks, under the shade of incompetence in a world of lies. I stand now naked, for I have realized my potentials, and that which has been wasted. It is the most aching feeling, to look back and regret, and as much as I want to avoid brooding over the past, I can’t help but feel sorry for the man I was. I have been a boat, adrift this ocean, just adjusting to the weather, rocking along the waves, feeding off what was made available. And now suddenly, I have found a sail. And with this sail of ambition and a hell of a lot of faith, I am about to give myself a new direction. May the winds of fate come in torrents, and the waves of destiny crash on my boat from stern to bow, I shall direct my life to the shores of paradise.
I have only a handful of subjects left to finish my degree, and I expect myself to ace each one of them, for that’s the least I can offer my parents.
I have a long life ahead, and I expect myself to become an ambassador of love, to redefine all it’s splendour, and rediscover its beauty.
I have a winding road ahead, and I expect myself to always be the friend of Truth and ally of Peace, for there is no greater form of bravery than to defend the Truth and offer peace, having made peace with oneself.
Last but not least, I expect myself to rid myself of all the masks I used to wear in every different circumstance. A few may laugh, a handful may ridicule, but there is nothing more liberating than the choice of being your true self.
With that, I bid adieu, there won’t be any more stories in this blog. All this while, I have been living in another’s story, in the characters that I brought to life through imagination and consideration of what you might want to read. It is time now to write my own story, the way I want it to be read. Do bless me, and I love you all!
Yours,
Vijay Dorai
January 25th, 2007 at 8:02 am
Hey Vijay *hugs* Don’t be too hard on yourself. I had to extend my degree by a year as well, and I only ever got A’s in 4 subjects, compulsory English courses and two extras unrelated to my course. Sometimes we try very hard but it doesn’t seem enough, and we worry too much about what other people will say about it.
But yeah, do your best, your parents will love you anyway. Trust me, extending for a year is far better than giving up completely or failing out, which is what some others do instead.
I wish you all the best on this road to finding yourself, hey I’m trying to do the same thing, and I have a deadline. HAHAHAHA So I better act fast.
Sometimes it’ll be a trial, well a lot of times, facing your own personal Devils, but you’ll be a better person from doing it and a stronger person, and you’ll be more you, so never give up the search and just always keep pushing deeper.
And you know, your family and your friends,those true to you will always love you no matter which road you take.
*hugs* May God be the wind on your sails!
Lotsa love,
Sai
January 25th, 2007 at 9:25 am
hi vijay,
the mere fact that u realise ur shortcomings and u r willing to admit and rectify that, shows ur r made from stern stuff.
for every failure there is success awaiting u at the corner.
life is a journey not a destination.
treat this as a small lesson cos it will only make u wiser.
u r one with a lot of potential bro so just focus on it.
and ur english is something i love to read.
we all go through a phase in live and the best thing is to remember ur parents and honour their sacrifice and u will never go wrong.
guess u never expected this from me.
best of luck bro.
never give up.
p/s keep ur blogs coming cos i love ur english.
January 25th, 2007 at 9:27 am
**hats off bro**
Something always told me that behind all those weird yet enlightning stories u come up with…there was something different inside you. I’m glad the ”real deal” is out in the open. Real good to see u exposed =P BJ,just keep ur head and dont u ever dare lose it anymore k. I have faith that u’ll rise and shine. Just keep reading this post e’time ur screwin up. You cant afford to NOT keep up to ur promises which are out in the open ritee! Lol. All the best!!!God bless you today, tommorow and always bro.
P.S:Felt rejuvenated afta readin ur post..i better sit and think about my life now…I don’t know where im headin to!! See how u make ppl think? Ur gud man!
January 25th, 2007 at 9:50 pm
whatever you do, I pray you find content and joy overflowing. He will not shut an eye to your earnest desires.
-Prasad
January 26th, 2007 at 2:42 am
what? no more stories? oh darn it…anyways life is all about realising our shortcomings and growing up aint it? we all go through that point in life where u realise u need to stop fucking around and get things straight and i guess your time has come hasnt it? well good luck in keeping up with ure resolutions (so to speak)…i’m sure u will do it…have faith..cheers
January 26th, 2007 at 2:53 am
i can’t say i understand and relate to everything that you have written, but i can, in some way, understand quite a lot.
and yes bro, you are still the same vijay to me (not that i knw u very well, but the little conversations and smiles exchanged when we do meet are meaningful), and i will always love you the same, as a friend i’m blessed to know.
dissapointing parents, struggling to find a clear path in life,not giving my all in studies…thts some of it i can understand.
and of all of them, the one where i disappoint and let my parents down hurts the most.
it was very brave of you to ‘bare it all’..God bless you in your journey towards being all that you can be
take care vijay..will see u soon aight?
January 26th, 2007 at 7:14 am
Machaaaa…..
Pls pls don’t stop writing. Don’t ever stop. I’ve read every single master piece on this very site and I have trully enjoyed them. Spare just a few minutes a day and publish them every end of the week.
Dude, my mom made faces and ask tons of questions when I told her I wanted to extend one semester. Just one freaking sem. Reason being she was more bothered about what the society thinks. Don’t let others pull u down. Never ever let them.
As much as I would like to visit Mlk from time to time, I can’t. I certainly miss all you rascalz and every minute I spend there is treasured.
Just dropping by to say all the above. Lol. It’s your life and live it your way.
God bless.
-[out]-
January 26th, 2007 at 7:42 am
hey ..good luck..ive been a quiet follower of your blogs…dunno if wad im goona say is goona help but i feel we all wear masks and have to rip otu in our own ways.only people who are brave enough are able to do it.everyone faces these hurdles in life.yours came in htis form..so good luck.and kinda feeling guilty myself after reading ure confessions.might be makin the same mistakes.hehe.atleast this is a reminder or some sort of wake up call..thanks ….
January 26th, 2007 at 9:18 am
oiiiigghhhhtttt….cheer$
January 26th, 2007 at 10:13 am
woah! what you did right here takes balls, wei! i sure as hell am not ready to rip those masks off.
lemme tell you one thing though. i may have chosen a course that i really LOVE, but i’m still struggling like hell with it, and that’s the honest truth. my results weren’t too pretty last sem. so we’re not exactly in very different boats. i know what you’re thinking, but it’s true.
anyway, don’t regret those years of fun. not overmuch. they only come around once per lifetime, right?
but all i can say now is all the best, dude! not just in your studies, not merely with your resolutions, but with the journey of life. noone, i think, can put it better than sai bhanu has. let god be the wind in your sails.
put in your maximum effort into it, and forget the results. so the gita (bhagavad, not my mum) says. and know that your family and your friends are rooting for you all the way.
January 26th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
may god bless you always. live your life the way you want it to be. i believe it takes alot of inner courage for you to type out this post.
—rEKHa—
January 26th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
Everyone has the need to love, and be loved.
January 26th, 2007 at 6:46 pm
My dearest friends, the outpouring of love has really moved me. It is most comforting to know there are so many people who are ready to come to my rescue in times of distress. But my friends, this is not a time of depression, this is not a time when im feeling low, or taking it too hard on myself. This is, in fact, the time when i feel most alive, when im raring to go, when im taking life by it’s damn collar and dragging it where i want to go. Don’t console me, congratulate me!
There have been a lot of you who told me that this article connects, touches, and relates to your lives. And so i ask, what do you want to do about it? Realising the destination and direction is just the beginning, and so i say, Let the journey begin!
Yours in optimism,
ME.
January 26th, 2007 at 11:17 pm
Hahaha..ur reply to the comments of the rest sounds more like YOU rather then ur blog itself.in fact, rescue is not what u need and as u row,u have made a difference in many.u have preached, consoled,comforted,advised and made an impression on many just by being you,yourself.Its good that u realise certain things but never regret the bad or the good.This was the art of ur being; patterned and weived to complete the beautiful picture of ur life.appreaciate and count ur blessings.Everything happens for a reason:)
the wise person for a change;)hehe,
ME
January 27th, 2007 at 1:38 am
Hmmm…that was the first thing that came to my mind after reading this particular post. To stop but for a good long minute and merely think… Thinking of the similarities we all face in a world full of difference. We may travel through different paths, trying to achieve different goals and thinking we all have unique journeys, but deep down we all know it’s the same thing disguised in yet again different scenarios. These scenarios are but only cloaks that cover us in our role we take in life’s stage, and as an actor, doesn’t one need masks to survive on the harsh stage? I feel everyone is the lead character of their on play and hold many other supporting roles in other random people’s plays. But it is truly a time to congratulate you Vijay, because you have discovered and decided that your own role needs something more than masks and means much, much more than an just another actor. We make our own mistakes and even mistakes are worth making if we learn even a tiny bit from them. You have prolonged being yourself long enough so as a friend I wish you the best of luck to carry on with your play in your true character =) Enjoy.
Under the Bright Sun
Flying without wings seems unachievable
to those poor souls trapped by their own desires for more,
Flight to a flightless being is possible
when he sets himself free,
of worldly pleasures
and ties to not concrete things
but to duty of his own life.
Basking under the wonderful rays of the sun,
Enjoying the soft winds of the world,
Tasting the wonderful fresh air at last,
and drinking deep from the clear stream of the mind..
is enjoyment at its true form.
This is saved only for those with the will
to overcome their own prison of doubt,
the gift at the end of that open door,
for is not that bright light a shimmer of hope?
a trick of the mind to believe in the faint,
Yet believing still thrives everywhere,
Because if you do not believe, how do u live?
=)
manisha
January 27th, 2007 at 3:11 am
Dei…u n ur english…anyway,touchy blog bro..sob sob…we r all in the same boat…i might not succeed academically but one i might just turn out to be a politician that rules all u educated buggers…by the way who cares about wat the community or our relation thinks…they rot n stink as well!! cheer up bro…2002 seemed to just have started but knock knock…here comes 2007 crusing tru…how time flies…tc then bro…adioz…god bless
January 27th, 2007 at 8:31 pm
big ups brethren.been a minute.good to hear the delighful ramblings still going smooth.regards as always.
January 27th, 2007 at 10:16 pm
hey vijay read your blog…very interesting,very captivating..poignantly written…well,life is full of ups and downs but we need to work it out and move on..tc..god bless..
January 27th, 2007 at 10:25 pm
well well vj what can i say???ur blog is simply superb!!!keep it going man..all the best!!!tc.god bless.
January 28th, 2007 at 3:49 am
Not sure if you remember me, but I am well impressed. Yes by the coherence of your articulation, but more so by you engaging in a personal renaissance.
in my darkest hours, and dark clouds do hover around me at this time, i find it difficult to pick myself up and start afresh. i take inspiration from your words, and i congratulate you and wish you well on your new-found direction. God bless.
January 28th, 2007 at 6:49 pm
hi vijay,
it have been along time since we never keep in touch ya!!!how r u doing???my friend…hope everything goes smoothly in ur life…dun worry on how ppl look at u or feel bout u…juz do wat u think is rite and the best for u…i’ve read the story…and let me tell u…i’m impressed with it….in everyone life,dey will go through every taste in their life…it is a matter how they over come it…trust me…do wat u like and the rite bout u…take a minute to think wat u want in ur life..ok…best wish of luck from me…!!!
January 28th, 2007 at 9:03 pm
I don’t know you personally, just happened to chance upon your blog. I’d say that you have the potential, and you’re only lacking in discipline when it comes to your studies. A lack of focus, thats all. Good luck, and study hard!
January 28th, 2007 at 11:54 pm
Dei… even this will pass.. this will pass …this will pass…Winds of change,everthing u see with ur eyes will change …
Embrace as things come…
Focus on ur success and visualize the smile on your parents face.
Success is not about letting go something or other ,its about how u manage ur alotted time.If u manage ur time well u will have time 4 anything.
However hard you pray “HE” wont give u more that 24hrs per day.
Cheers …get the ball rolling!!!
January 29th, 2007 at 2:18 am
The courage to paint my dear boy…
You’ve already started paintin, so what’s there to answer the world?
Congratulations!!!
Remember though, tongues of praise is the false dawn of a world with a desire to be profoundly “politically correct”. Trust only the ambition of the man in the mirror. Fulfill his ambition and peace will not be far behind…
January 30th, 2007 at 4:48 am
Hey Vj..CHILL LA…somedays we have to go through to hard challanges to achieve whatever goals we have set for our future…And sometimes we have to take time to understand everyone around us…ESPECIALLY those who are close to us…I mean no one said life is a bed of roses right…hehehe…so anyways…JUST CHILL and leave it to GOD!
January 31st, 2007 at 2:07 am
bro u got me thinking..thanks..n yeah good luck!!
January 31st, 2007 at 8:38 am
dude…we r in the same boat…feels like shit at times….at least we’re doing something abt it…i guess these are the things that help us grow up and make us better individuals..i hope
…we’ll kick ass together and finish this shit man!!!we’ll meet at graduation with hangover!!!!hahaha…cheers!
February 1st, 2007 at 7:15 am
hey vijay..i love reading your blogs..its just fantastic..!!!keep it up..god bless you. take care. ~smile~ ^_^
February 3rd, 2007 at 10:04 am
I’m hiding myself behind a mask too. Maybe I should consider taking it off too. Anyway, all the best~
February 6th, 2007 at 2:30 am
hmmm… glad for u man. U went through shit and came out better. All the crap that we get and don’t deserve, defines us. We won’t realise how much good it’ll do us at that time, but sooner than later, u realise its a blessing in disguise.
Hye man, i extended 3 semesters in medical school! I never failed before, but then suddenly i started failing and failing… it was scary, and i nearly lost it and gave up… and damn was i humiliated…. but if i can go back in time, would i ever wanna change it? NOPE. I’m better now coz of all that shit. Nome same?:)
carpe diem brutha….
February 7th, 2007 at 10:55 pm
Observe, Think, Change, Dare, Banish, Try, Empower, Question, Grow, and Do. Congratulations. I see that your capable of doing massive changes to your life which is best for you. hehe.. well the words on top are what ive been trying to master. but ur already there bro. Dont stay there and dont drop.. theres a long way to go in life.. Jump further.. aim for perfection.. and rise till theres no rising at all…
February 11th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
Dei…..wat happen to u till extending sems all. I thought it is a smooth going for u in MMU. I heard you very happening there. Relax la joe, one year only wat. U can do it man. Now only i start to know you can write so well. Hidden talent of yours ya. Relax joe…Study a bit hard la, sure can go through one. Wish you best of luck to my fren Vijay Cantona…….
February 14th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
bro, i’ve read ur blogs all along..and diz one seems very much similar to da boat dat i am in now..
i guess da ‘i’ in ur name stands for inspiration..
hats off to u bro..
sumtimez things arent wat u think it iz..maybe its for a reason..
u cant sharpen a pencil in one go usually..but once itz sharpened, it really goes a long way though..
March 3rd, 2007 at 6:27 pm
After long consideration, I don’t plan to take it off. I think mask is part of me. haha.. Anyway, why so long no updates huh??
March 7th, 2007 at 1:02 am
“A pool of water needs to be purified before it is drinkable..and when the stream of thinkin is purified, it benefits both ourself and others..”
im in ur shoe as well…i cant say exactly wat u felt but i know how it feels..y u wana stop writin?? its ur talent…not everyone has it anyway.. dun lose de touch of it.. *huGs*
March 9th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
Hello there Vijay. I came across your blog just yesterday. I have to say that you are truly gifted indeed. I love your writings and it’s a shame that you don’t write anymore.
You can never be too late to embrace reality as you can always change something when you do. I’ve seen many others whom are not able to swallow their prides like you did and admit to the ugliness of their current reality. Thumbs up to you for that.
Yes, the amoebas live. The dinosaurs do too, although not in flesh and blood, they still live in forms like history and science. Ask a kid today and he’d know what a dinosaur is but wouldn’t have a single clue what a tapir is.
Your writings are like the dinosaurs. They hold a certain value of greatness and will always live in the hearts of those whose life they have touched. And so shall live your passion to write.
I wish you all the best in your undertakings.
April 16th, 2007 at 8:40 am
Hey… Just read your latest blog… Hope you’re feeling better now… Was attracted by your shoutout… You take care ya!! Love and hugs… All the best and God bless!!
April 17th, 2007 at 9:53 am
I am speechless! Good Lord! I have never seen (read) anyone being this honest before. Maybe my age shows the lack of experience i have in life, but you’re sure one person to be admired at! Your beauty lie on your honesty. The personality that you behold, shows that you’re sincere in your duty. After reading your previous posts, i am very definite that we’ve lost a person who is tremendously Great at words! All i could say is, good luck in your future undertakings! By the way, i am just a random blog reader who is hoping to be a friend of yours.
Good Day to you and all!
Jai Sai Ram!
*Tatchana*
April 17th, 2007 at 9:54 am
I am speechless! Good Lord! I have never seen (read) anyone being this honest before. Maybe my age shows the lack of experience i have in life, but you’re sure one person to be admired at! Your beauty lie on your honesty. The personality that you behold, shows that you’re sincere in your duty. After reading your previous posts, i am very definite that we’ve lost a person who is tremendously Great at words! All i could say is, good luck in your future undertakings! By the way, i am just a random blog reader who is hoping to be a friend of yours.
Good Day to you and all!
Jai Sai Ram!
*Tatchana*
June 7th, 2007 at 8:38 am
hey u
i barely knoe u..
but i guess i wud speak for all wen i say dun stop writing..
u may had put up a facade for al, bt its tru wat u write, u kinda realise wat u r goin tru on the inside, subconciously..
keep on writing..u wud soon realise ur stories and ur views bout life wud totally be diff, prob in sync wid the person u have become, both in n out..
upseting ones parents is da biggest pain of all, but its not too late to make them happy n proud of u,,
use watever opportunity n excel aight..
tc then.. god bless
June 24th, 2007 at 1:33 am
i extended 1 yr already…
June 25th, 2007 at 2:35 pm
we sail the same boat my dear fren..but we both take a different path..hope we reach our destiny as desired..that day we can sit and laugh looking at our past..
and abt the mask..its not always wrong wearing a mask..if its meant to be in a good way..to wear a mask that smiles to all hiding the emotions of our deep inside is worth..coz once a wise man told me..ur emotions re ur greatest weakness..Show ur weakness to no one..then u stand up to be the shining star..god bless us man..
adiozz..
July 12th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
Hey v-jay..i juz read ur blog..its a truth tat many of urs hide..anyway i cant say i kno u well enough..but de exchange of a smile and a simple hi..i got to kno u thru puva n i dare to say ur simply superb..i kno u can reach really high..for some..they juz need to try a lil’ hard but they’ll surely achieve it no matter wat..u have all de strength..all de best v-jay..thou i dun get 2c u in campus anymore yet tis frenster helps..tc..n cheers..
July 13th, 2007 at 12:46 am
*respect* =)
July 17th, 2007 at 2:05 am
CONGRATULATIONS!
For living life the way it’s supposed to be lived..
God bless!
July 19th, 2007 at 3:31 am